When I was younger, my mother to discourage me from performing certain behaviors would tell me that if I continued this behavior I would never be able to keep a husband. First of all, this is her parenting style. I'm now out of the house. But this comment on me has stayed with me for such a long time. Do I think she is wrong? Well, obviously I do! She cannot think that someone will not want to marry me. However, I do believe she has a point. There is something about me, in which I do not believe someone will want to spend the rest of his life with.
Maybe I'm giving up too soon. Or is it too soon? I've been told twice by separate guys that they wanted to marry me. I'm obviously not with either with them now, but it makes me wonder. Is the idea of me as a person appealing for marriage? What confuses me is that these people knew that I was the one. As time went by, I realized that it was just naive wishful thinking.
In this society we want to believe that the person we are with will be with us for the rest of our lives. I know I want to know. I want to. I don't like wasting time or energy. I want to know what is going to happen so I can figure things out. Because of this, I know I'm going to struggle. I'm going to struggle through every relationship I have and every thing I have to accomplish. It makes me sad that I'm this way and wish I was more of a "take things as it comes" kind of girl. Not only does it make me feel sad, it hurts. It hurts to know that one day someone will not want you anymore or that you will get bored. Maybe that is my problem. I am afraid that someone will no longer see the value of staying with me. Maybe I don't think I'm worth it.
Marriage is scary because theres uncertainty. In any relationship time plays a big factor. It takes time to build bonds. I just don't know if I'm up to it. Sometimes I feel like I know that this guy is the one. Other times I don't know. I have never felt so strong for someone like this. No one has been able to make me feel this good or understood in my life. For once, I feel complete. I don't like to say that someone else makes me feel complete. But this guy, he makes me a better person. To say that someone completes you is to say that this person is bringing out the best in you. This guy does.
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what is certain. But I what I know that is certain is that I want this guy in my life as long as possible. If this relationship ended, it will probably be like his last anyway. So I cry. I cry because I mourn for the future. I mourn for what is to come.
Cheers,
Claire
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